It's Too Soft!

No, this isn't a "that's what she said" joke, you perverts, although, it would have been a pretty good one.

Anyway. Some things should just be soft. Most people would say that things that should be soft, probably can't possibly be too soft. I would beg to differ. I'm going to tell you about one of those thing. Something that definitely should be soft but can also be too soft, awkwardly soft in fact.

I'm talking about toilet paper. Yep, toilet paper can be too soft. Thanks to modern technology, evolution and the sissy-fication of America, toilet paper has changed from rocks, sticks and leaves to what we are now blessed with in our day.

Now I'm obviously not talking about that stuff you have at the office, or in a public restroom, that feels like you have to wipe with scratchy printer paper. That stuff rips up the backside like sandpaper and should be made illegal and part of class action lawsuits worldwide. Toilet paper should be soft. But, there is a line that is crossed in excessive softness that I'm just not comfortable with. In fact, its downright awkward.

When TP cross over into the excessively soft department awkward things happen. As one reaches back to  wipe, a feeling of awkward guilt can come over you. You can think, for a fleeting moment, that you are wiping yourself with one of those really nice and soft towels. That's an awkward feeling!

Too soft TP makes you feel like its going to rip at any minute, causing you to end up wiping the rest of the swipe along your backside with your fingers, hand or wrist. That's an awkwardly freaky feeling! There is something worse, TP residue!

When TP is too soft it always seems like tiny pieces of TP break off and either get stuck in your butt crack or crumple onto the toilet seat or ground. Then you're left with extra, gross little particles of dookie and TP residue to clean up from your body or the area around the toilet. (I don't dare Google image search that) Talk about awkward.

Here's what I recommend: Get TP that isn't too soft to avoid awkwardness. If you can't do that, get a bidet (you know, one of those devices that cleans your dookies by shooting water up your crack). The idea of those are awkward to me too though so just get the right softness in your TP. I use Kirkland brand from Costco, you can do whatevah you want!

Ear Wax

There is just something awkward and creepy about ear wax, I mean, just look at it on the end of those Q-tips, its creepy. I don't understand it. It weirds me out. They say it is actually natural and good for you. That this ear wax stuff cleans out your ears, lubricates them and something else important. Don't care. It's awkward and gross looking.

Why do they call it ear wax? That's awkward too. Makes me wonder if you can make stuff out of it, like a candle or something. Can you melt it down and use it to seal envelopes old school style? What about using it in the bedroom for kinky hot wax stuff? How awkward would any of those things be!? They should call it 'ear nasty' or 'ear gunk' or even 'ear boogers' instead of ear wax.

I'm a little obsessive about my ear wax. I clean it every day. I feel really weird and uncomfortable if I haven't cleaned my ear wax out and i don't want to go out. What if someone sees it? It looks weird. It looks awkward and dirty and gross and I always feel like people judge me if I have any. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe you do the same thing and feel the same way. I don't know. I know two things though.

They should change the name of ear wax because it's an awkward name. And you should clean your ear wax because it's awkward to see that gooey nastiness in someones ear.

And one more thing, how does this shirt even exist?!

Bathroom Man Code Violation

This the bathroom for the entire floor in my office building. Is it a little weird that I'm taking a picture of the bathroom? Maybe, but that's not the point. The point here is the awkward violation of man code. I don't know how it works in the Ladies room but any man knows that there is a certain protocol for bathroom use.

For example: If we are talking about urinals, (ladies, that's the weird looking thing on the far right of this photo that you probably don't have in your restroom) everyone knows that you never use the middle one if there are multiple, never try to share a urinal if there is only one and if there are two, you don't use it at the same time as another man unless it's an emergency, you're at a ball game, there is no other option or they have good dividers between them.

I don't know why this is, it just is. Those are the rules. I don't make them up, I follow and inform. If you violate these rules, things get awkward.

The rules for the use of stalls are much the same as urinal use rules except maybe even more strict on the  "thou shalt not use the middle stall" rule. You just don't. Unless, once again, it's an absolute emergency or all the others are taken and you're just going to stand and pee. Even still, the breaking of this rule is serious and should be avoided at all costs. Yes, even in an empty restroom!

On my floor however, I have seen this middle stall rule violated on a regular basis and something must finally be said! When I am sitting on one of the porcelain launching pads, don't come sit next to me. It's weird and very awkward! Our feet are almost touching while we take dookies for crying out loud! A guy on my floor does it all the time and it freaks every body out. Sometimes I walk into the restroom and he is just sitting in the middle stall of an empty bathroom and that's maybe even weirder. Then no one can use the stalls next to him.

If this is you, stop it.

I'm sure he doesn't follow this blog but the world needs to be reminded and aware of these rules so they can be more considerate of others in the mens room. Don't make it awkward for man kind, be kind, don't use the middle stall or urinal.

Awkward Man Bears

It is that time of year again people, almost Summer. While this is generally considered a wonderful thing, there is definitely some potential for a lot of awkwardness. When the weather starts getting warmer, clothes usually become a little skimpier. This in an of itself can be awkward but that isn't exactly what I want to talk about, but it is a result of less clothing.

My hatred for man-thigh is very clearly documented both here and here so we won't be talking about that either but please take note and avoid that one too! This post is about what I like to call, "Awkward Man Bears." I guess there could be awkward woman bears too but they are the rarest kind of bears, unless they are French Canadian, then it's pretty common. (move to Maine and spend some time on the beaches in early Spring and Summer and you'll understand)

Anyway, much real bears, these Awkward Man Bears are generally in hibernation during the colder months. Actually they aren't in hibernation, the fact that they are Awkward Man Bears isn't noticeable due to the fact that they are fully clothed. As it gets warmer and clothes come off, especially at the beach, one notices these Man Bears in full effect and its disturbingly awkward!

I'm talking about this people:

The hairy man back. You look like a disturbingly Awkward Man Bear. You're hairy like a bear but you're clearly a man. Shave it. I get that some are hairier than others, and the hair that some have on their backs is darker than others. Frankly, it doesn't matter and I don't care. Shave it. Do everyone else and yourself a favor and manscape that junk! You're freaking the world out!

Even worse though than the regular awkward hair back is those who try to get cute with their manscaping.

I say cute very tongue in cheek because there in NOTHING cute about making designs or shaving pattern in one's back hair! Don't do it! Shave it. If you can't reach it, work it out. That Awkward Man Bear needs to be taken care of! Some girls like hairier men, no girl like nasty back hair!

Especially as the clothes start coming off and people start getting beach ready, don't just go to the gym, take care of the Awkward Man Bear too! No need to cause awkwardness and suffering to the rest of mankind this summer!

And with the world about to die from "global warming" we don't need to suffer through that kind of awkwardness while slowly melting too!

Thanks,

The human race.

More Awkward Products

Lazy Awkward Wednesday this week. Haven't felt too creative so I figured i would go ahead and share some more awkward products, and things that I've either run into personally or been sent by some of you beautiful Awkward Wednesday fans. Please enjoy!

Yes, this is real. Yes, for me this would be wicked awesome and not awkward. For the large portion of the world this would be pretty awkward. It actually smells like bacon. And its tag line is, "for that fresh meat smell." Pretty awkward.

While the thought is nice, the presentation and phraseology is a bit awkward.

A friend sent me this. I don't think I need to say anything...Awkward

They made a trivia game for this trash? If you want it, own it, play it or know any of the answers, I'm sorry, that's awkward.

Ummm yeah, great name for your gas station. Awkward.

As if the name "Balls" isn't awkward enough for your sports bar, how about knowing their logo (not seen too clearly) is a baby in a diaper. Awkward

HUH!? Really. Awkward. These could be the yummiest food items on the planet but sadly I'm confident that not a single person on the planet wants to find out!

Seriously people. Please hire me as your companies awkward consultant. You don't want to end up the joke of the internet because of your awkwardness!

Keep the submissions coming people! Thanks for reading, happy Awkward Wednesday!

awkwardwednesday@gmail.com